Why is it so hard to make mum friends?
Making mum friends is clearly something I struggle with. I have terrible social anxiety, so something as simple as just making friends with someone isn’t as easy for me as it may be for other people. I am not naturally an extrovert – I like to keep myself to myself. I don’t want to butt in on someone’s conversation or invade their little circle of friends. Previously, I’d thought this was just being polite, but now I’m not so sure. Maybe that’s what you’re meant to do.
I have found myself trying a lot harder to make mum friends since Luke started school.
He’s now in Year 1 and I can report that, despite him attending the school for one and a half years, I still haven’t made any mum friends.
Sure, I may have had a few awkward exchanges with two or three of the other mums there, but that’s all they ever were. I can’t say anything has ever flourished into a blossoming friendship. Nope. More often than not the conversations end in, “Ahhh, okay…” and then they wander off to go and stand with other people.
So it begs the question, am I just shit at making friends?
Am I the problem? Maybe I don’t look the part – I am younger than a lot of the other parents of children in Luke’s class. But then I know there are other mums in the playground that are the same age, if not younger than me and they all seem to have found their mum ‘huddle’.
The Mum Huddle
You know what I mean there right? If you’ve ever stood in a school playground at pick up time you’ll have seen them. Each mum walks over and has a little spot where she’ll wait. The closer to 3pm it gets, the more mums (or dads) arrive and they head towards their designated zone in the playground to join up with their huddle of friends.
Me? I stand awkwardly on my own between huddles. I know the names of a few people there and I politely smile at them if we make eye contact – a social reaction made possible because of 3 minutes of small talk months ago.
Is it because I dress differently?
Most people are there looking their best. I’m there looking tired, sweaty from the half an hour walk with a baby (or very soggy if it has been raining), and wearing trainers with jeggings and a hoodie. If my pick up involved driving, maybe I’d dress differently to try and fit in more. But as it is, the clothes I wear are what makes my 8 mile school run every day bearable.
It’s Like Being At School Again
It almost feels like I’m in school again and I’m trying desperately to immerse myself and make friends but, although none of them mean, it’s clear the mums I have been trying to chat to aren’t interested in making friends. They’re all lovely women I am sure, but I just don’t fit in.
I have tried talking to people who were also stood on their own in the school playground but I’m not sure how many times you can awkwardly exchange a little chat with someone before it becomes weird. Now the people who stood alone before stand with their headphones in or they’re on the phone.
So I am starting to wonder what is it about me that is so off putting?
A lot of parents at the school have older children who attend the same school, so they probably know each other because of this and have known each other for some time. I know somewhere in the playground there will be someone just like me, but I haven’t found them yet and I don’t know how to go about it anymore.
Am I the only one who finds it this difficult to make other mum friends?
Anxiety really doesn’t help me in times like this. It makes it difficult to strike up small talk while at the same time breeds paranoia that I’m annoying people or I’m not good enough to be there.
There must be other mums out there who feel like I do.
I’ve had people on Facebook tell me that making mum friends is easy – you just need to put yourself out there. But what if you’ve done all of those things? What if you’ve been to baby groups and chatted? Talked to other mums at baby weigh ins? What if you’ve tried talking to the other parents stood on their own in the playground? What do you do when no one wants to be friends with you?
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Lukeosaurus And Me
Rachael is a 31 year old mum to 10 year old Luke and 5 year old Oscar. She lives in England and writes about family life, crafts, recipes, parenting wins(and fails), as well as travel, days out, fashion and living the frugal lifestyle.
14 Comments
Kim Carberry
Don’t be so hard on yourself. I bet there is a ton of mothers in the school yard feeling and thinking exactly the same as you.
Does your school have a PTA or something like that which you could join. I found that really helped to make new friends x
Lukeosaurus And Me
Actually the problem and inspiration for this post sort of stemmed from the PTA. I have tried but no one is interested.
Tracey kifford
To be honest, being part of the clique is really full on and stressful! (Been there, done that, cheered when my children moved to bigger school!!) Schools are crying out for helpers on the PTA – it’s a thankless task, but you’d certainly be welcomed with open arms and paired up with another parent for a ‘task’ … and that’s a start.
Lukeosaurus And Me
Actually the problem and inspiration for this post sort of stemmed from the PTA. I don’t think they’re the type of people for me – very cliquey and not really interested in chatting to others.
Amy - All about a Mummy
That’s really distressing that your PTA are not approachable but I do think sometimes it can look that way because they become a natural group through the activities. I’ve made some really good friends through helping with the PTA. Generally speaking most PTA’s are crying out for help so you may find if you go along to a meeting you are welcomed with open arms. I was lucky a couple of the pre school kids moved up with my eldest so I guess I already had a small group when she started. I must admit my youngest’s class is a much harder group to crack!
Rhian Westbury
I think it can be pretty hard to make new friends when you are out of school in general, it’s good that you’re making an effort though x
OLivia jade
Ah, I feel so bad for you after reading this. Although I don’t have any children, I can relate to making friends as an adult.
Sorry to hear you’re struggling to find anyone to speak to at school and I would totally want to be your friend if I saw you, your style is amazing! xx
Sarah Ann
You are being so tough on yourself and you really shouldn’t be. I’ve only just discovered your blog and can see what an amazing mum you are and weirdly, little bits we have in common! I don’t have children but I can relate to other situations where I’ve felt exactly how you’re feeling and it’s tough. But honestly, it’s not you. Just give it time because I bet a lot of them feel the same way too. And if you ever fancy a chat, I’m over on Twitter (@thingsarahloves)
Lukeosaurus And Me
Hi! Thanks so much for the kind words. 🙂 Yes, I thought similar the other day when I was reading your post about Being Ok and having a little flick through your blog. I’ve just followed you on Twitter. 🙂
Talya Stone
Making new friends is HARD! When we moved back from Singapore I really struggled to make mum friends. Thankfully our school is not very cliquey and I have made some friends there but I totally now what you mean…WHY IS IT SO HARD????!
Lauren Porter
I suffered from terrible social anxiety a few years ago & can totally relate to this. I am better now but still find it so hard & I really feel for you We haven’t started school yet & this is one of my fears, I genuinely think that there are people who are in the same situation though, it’s just so hard trying to find them!
Dipa Mistry
I totally know where you are coming from. I especially relate to the not knowing how to interject in a conversation. I’ve always found that tough. I was lucky as when my son started school, I already knew half the Mums in my son’s class and half from the other. I still have some weird and inexplicable vibes from some Mums and wonder if I offended them somehow? I think quite often, it’s because you’re not comfortable and people sense that. Then they start to feel uncomfortable. All I did to overcome this is to work on how I felt about myself. Maybe worth a try?
Eva Katona
It is very hard indeed, I totally agree with this. My son has ASD and that adds to all the troubles too, we could’t really do play dates for a while so I made less mum friends than others. It’s better now luckily.
Louise
I also find it hard to make mum friends but I always feel like it’s because of the way I look. I have a hunched back, droopy eyelid and crooked teeth and think it puts people off wanting to be friends with me 🙁
Louise x